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Deepak Chopra, MD
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Getting to the real reason behind Janet's "bedroom inhibitions"
Note: This article assumes you have a working knowledge of EFT. Newcomers can still learn from it but are advised to get our Free EFT Get Started Package or our Affordable DVDs for a more complete understanding. For more, read our EFT Info and Disclaimer Document.
Hi Everyone,
Nancy Morris emphasizes the importance of addressing specific events for bringing improvement to her client's romantic life. She says, "This case demonstrates the insidious effect our beliefs can have on multiple parts of our lives. Using EFT on specific events, specific things that were said to us, and specific thoughts we had early on can clear the underlying beliefs and, as in this case, open us up to a new way of being in the world."
Hugs, Gary
Hi Gary,
This case demonstrates the insidious effect our beliefs can have on multiple parts of our lives. Using EFT on specific events, specific things that were said to us, and specific thoughts we had early on can clear the underlying beliefs and, as in this case, open us up to a new way of being in the world.
Janet wanted to improve her self-esteem and wanted an improved sex life with her husband Greg. When someone contacts me wanting to "improve my sex life" I ask specifically what that means to them; i.e. what exactly would change in their life that they would then be able to say, "wow, my sex life is a lot better than it used to be." For Janet it meant feeling more physical pleasure from sex with her husband Greg, and feeling more intimate and connected to him during lovemaking.
We explored together what specifically she thought could change in the way they made love that would feel more pleasurable to her. Janet was unsure; she just had a sense that it could feel much better to her. I pre-framed this next question by saying that I knew that "this was impossible", but just so that we could get some information and know the best way to proceed with EFT, I was going to ask her to suspend all belief for a moment, and ask herself this question: "If I was completely uninhibited about asking for what I want, what would I want from George?"
After a quiet moment or two, Janet was able to say several specific things that she believed would make sex more enjoyable for her, BUT, she said "my wants aren't important." After a pause, Janet also said that she'd noticed that she had a pattern of holding back her own preferences, even with friends. She would always put other's desires before her own. She felt "not important enough." This gave us plenty to tap on.
To establish a testing point from which we could measure our progress, I asked Janet to say: "What I want isn't important" and evaluate how true it felt inside of her. She said it felt very true and it made her feel sad. We tapped just one round on:
Even though what I want isn't important and it makes me sad...
Then I asked Janet if this reminded her of anything from earlier in her life. It did. Now we had a specific event to work on.
Janet grew up the only girl among 5 brothers. There wasn't a lot of money in the family, and when the kids needed socks, Mom would buy boy's athletic tube socks and that was what Janet had to wear too. She wanted her own girl socks but never got them. Also, when she was in 6th grade, she really wanted a piano and asked for one for Christmas; she didn't get it. There were many, many times when the boys' needs came first. Janet felt sadness in her throat, droopy, had a "poor me" feeling. Using the Tell the Story Technique on each of the specific events, we tapped down her sadness and the self pity lightened until all the feelings related to those events were at a zero.
At this point I asked Janet to evaluate how true this statement felt to her: "What I want is important" (Notice that I reversed it from last time we checked). Janet said the statement out loud and said it felt like a 6-7 (10 being completely true). Then I suggested that she say the same statement out loud with an adjustment: "What I want is important to me". Janet had an "aha!" moment and said that felt like a 9. She said she realized that the unsaid words when she thought about her wants not being important were that they weren't important to others. We did several rounds of tapping on:
Even though I've been afraid to notice what I want...
Even though I've been afraid to even suggest what I want...
Even though I've been afraid to ask for what I want...
Then we tapped the EFT tapping points using reminder phrases such as: I've been afraid, thinking I don't count, I do count, what I want is important to me, it's OK for me to have preferences, it's OK for me to have desires, I own my wisdom, I know what's good for me, it's OK for people to ask for what they want and negotiate what they get, my preferences are important, others have their preferences, I have mine, I love and accept all of us, I'm an important part of the universe, I matter just like everyone else.
Again we tested the statement, "What I want is important." And Janet said it felt completely true and that she felt really good about speaking with her husband. She felt sure that he did want to please her and wanted their sex life to be more enjoyable. Remember also that one of Janet's stated desires was to feel more self-confident.
At our next appointment Janet said that she had been much better at telling people her preferences and she had many specific examples. Also, she had talked to Greg more openly than ever before about her desires and felt good doing it. When she asked him how it was for him that she was now talking about sex, he had a beautiful answer, "I feel honored that you're putting so much energy into your development (he knows she's working with me) and into our sex life." Regarding her desire for improved self-esteem: Janet feels much better about herself and has more confidence in day-to-day life. And, she does feel closer and more connected to her husband already and feels her sex life is consistently improving.
Nancy Morris, EFTCert-I
