"I have to lie constantly to live my life as I know it"

By Nancy Knox

Gary,

{The reason I am able to include the script of this EFT session verbatim is because I knew the day before the session what he wanted to work on. I am sometimes able to go into a light trance and feel guided by a higher power to transcribe on my computer the "right" words to use in the session ahead of time. So I basically did the session from the script, although I am always flexible if it takes a different direction or something comes up that needs immediate attention.}

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I have used EFT to help my friend "Joe" on and off for several years. He had been sexually molested at age 8, and consequently had many issues including food addiction, drug addiction (in recovery), ADD, sexual promiscuity, multiple marriages, and compulsive lying. He was not aware of the molestation until 4 years ago when he was treated with EMDR during drug rehab.

Because he values integrity very highly, he lived in deep shame over his actions all those years. Joe had a lot of resistance to even using EFT (we tapped around that, but not very successfully), in spite of experiencing its effectiveness. He would only let me use it when he was feeling desperate.

He reached that point last year in a personal crisis. I asked him what he thought was causing the problem. He said "the stress of lying constantly to everyone and trying to juggle multiple relationships without each of them knowing about the others." He said that "I have to lie constantly to live my life as I know it" was a "10" with 10 being completely true and 0 being false. We started tapping:

Even though I learned very young that it wasn't safe to tell the truth, I deeply and profoundly accept and forgive that little boy -- he was just trying to get his needs met and survive.
Reminder Phrase: It isn't safe to tell the truth.

Even though my dishonesty causes me to feel much shame, because I know it isn't who I am, I forgive myself for my past actions -- I did the best I could at the time -- and I choose to feel compassion for that terrified little boy inside who thought he would die if he told the truth.
Reminder Phrase: I'm ashamed of my dishonesty. It isn't who I am. I had to lie. He said he'd kill me. I did the best I could. I was terrified. I couldn't tell anyone. I had to lie to survive. I couldn't tell the truth.

Even though I know deep down inside that lying doesn't really work, and that it only delays the pain, and creates incredibly damaging stress to my body, I forgive myself for the damage I've done. I can change.
Reminder Phrase: Lying doesn't work. It only delays the pain. It makes things worse. I live in fear of being found out. It damages my body and my soul. I choose to stop lying. I choose to heal.

Even though being dishonest damages my self image as a person of integrity, I can choose to act in alignment with my values and forgive myself for my past behaviors.
Reminder Phrase: I am a person of integrity. Dishonesty damages my integrity. I choose integrity. I choose to act from my values. I live in integrity.

Even though lying has become my automatic way to deal with potentially uncomfortable situations, I realize I have many other choices that would work better and represent who I truly am -- a person of integrity.
Reminder Phrase: I lie automatically. I choose to become conscious. I have other choices. I can choose from integrity. I can accept my discomfort as a warning that I'm about to lie. My discomfort is my warning. I can choose consciously. I can choose integrity.

By this point he was aware that he had made a huge shift, had gone to "0" on his initial statement, and asked how he could untangle his multiple relationships. We continued:

Even though trying to get my needs met keeps getting me into situations I don't know how to handle, and I get tangled up in other peoples' expectations and have to lie to keep from hurting them or to keep them from getting angry and abandoning me, I'm doing the best I can and I forgive myself for not knowing how to do it better.
Reminder Phrase: I get tangled up. I don't want to hurt them. It's not safe to make them angry. They'll hurt me if I make them angry. I don't want them to abandon me. I'm afraid to be alone. I have to lie.

Even though the real me is unlovable because I enjoy the company of many women at the same time, and they only want me to love them, I choose to love my unlovable self anyway -- I am who I am.
Reminder Phrase: The real me is unlovable. I'm not allowed to love more than one person. Jesus loved everybody, but I'm not allowed to. Women probably were drawn to him like they are to me. They just fall in love with me. It's not my fault. I can't be responsible for their expectations. Unless I lead them on. Unless I lie to them and encourage those expectations. If I were honest with them then I wouldn't feel guilty about it -- it would be their choice, their problem. My honesty would serve us both.

Even though I don't know why I can't just love one woman and be faithful to her, and I think there's something wrong with me because of it, and maybe it does have to do with my wounds, I choose to accept that it is who I am at this time. I simply do not fit our society's norm of a monogamous long term relationship. Maybe I should move to some island where tribal love is acceptable. I'd fit in so much better there. It isn't that my way is wrong, it's just that it isn't the norm in our society. I enjoy variety, as all men do -- maybe I'm just less socialized to do the "right thing" than most men. Maybe if I accept that part of myself as ok, even though it doesn't match women's desires, I could be honest about it and I wouldn't have to lie so much. Maybe if I were honest about it when I meet a new woman, and lived it openly day by day, I would end up spending time with women who accepted me for who I am, and I wouldn't have to try to be who I'm not just to meet their expectations. Maybe then I wouldn't keep ending up with women who need more from me than I can give them. Maybe if I simply said "I have plans with so-and-so tonight", I wouldn't build up their expectations that they are my one and only. They might not like it, but then they could choose whether they want to be with the real me, not the person of their dreams that I can never live up to. It would be such a relief to be able to stop trying to be someone I'm not. I'm so tired of the lies and the games.
Reminder Phrase: I can't love just one woman. There's something wrong with me. I don't fit in here. I enjoy variety. That's ok. I am who I am. I accept that part of me. I can be honest about it. I can attract women who are ok with that. They could accept the real me. I wouldn't have to lie. They wouldn't build up their expectations. We'd both get what we need. I need my freedom. I don't want to feel engulfed. I choose to be me. I choose to be real. I choose to be honest.

Over the next several months he reported that he simply no longer felt any need to lie, he lovingly released all the relationships except one, a terrific woman with whom he is now able to be honest with and monogamous. Perhaps most importantly, for the first time in his memory, he is able to feel loving and loved with his heart instead of with his head.

He went on to fall deeply in love with this woman; they married a year to the day from the EFT session. I recently asked him about his shame, and he said that since he is no longer doing the things that he was ashamed of, he isn't experiencing much shame. He still struggles with his food addiction and isn't ready to give up smoking, but he is happier than he's ever been.

I believe that one of the keys to effectiveness was to use words that allowed him to stop blaming himself -- his sense of relief and validation were increasingly evident. I was reminded of the emotional scene in "Good Will Hunting" when Robin Williams said to Matt Damon "It's not your fault".

Nancy