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Deepak Chopra, MD
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Using EFT for forgiveness
Note: This article assumes you have a working knowledge of EFT. Newcomers can still learn from it but are advised to get our Free EFT Get Started Package or our Affordable DVDs for a more complete understanding. For more, read our EFT Info and Disclaimer Document.
Hi Everyone,
Loren Fogelman blends her views of forgiveness with EFT and provides some useful procedures.
Hugs, Gary
Life has many lessons to offer us. Personal growth is about trying to be the best that you can be. During this process we are challenged to be vulnerable and to take risks. As we strive to grow we are likely to come across events where we become stuck. There is an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that is attached to some of the choices and actions that we have taken.
The feelings of guilt and shame place a heavy burden on us and might keep us from continued personal growth. Guilt is how you feel about an event and shame is how you feel about yourself. People tend to be much harder and critical of themselves than they would be of another person. Being able to forgive yourself and accept what has happened in the past is difficult, but possible.
When working with my clients, I teach them about the four aspects of the forgiveness technique. EFT is the ideal tool for forgiveness. First a specific event needs to be identified where you have blamed yourself. Identify a event where you continue to feel hurt, pain or suffering for what you did. Rate the level of intensity, from 0 to 10, that you have concerning that event. Do you feel the emotion anywhere in your body? If you do, then describe it or be aware of what it is you are feeling. That will be your frame of reference to test if you have resolved the issue.
The first part of forgiving yourself is to acknowledge that you “missed the mark.” You did not act like you might have wanted to act. The set up and statements I have are general. I encourage you to give the event a title as if you were using the Movie Technique and use that phrase instead of saying “this event.”
Even though I acted this way and have never been able to forgive myself for it and let myself down with my behavior…
Eyebrow: I acted this way
Side of eye: I have not been able to forgive myself for this event
Under eye: I let myself down
Under nose: This event has continued to play in my mind over and over again
Chin: I cannot let this event go
Collarbone: I know what I did was wrong
Under Arm: I have held onto the guilt and shame from this event for a long time
Top of head: Being able to forgive myself for this event feels impossible.
The second part of the forgiveness technique is to say that you are sorry for what you did.
Even though I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that? I choose to accept what happened and to forgive myself for hurting myself and others
Eyebrow: I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?
Side of eye: I am sorry for what I did.
Under eye: I can never forget what I did. There are some things I can never forgive myself for.
Under nose: At the time, I was doing the best I could given the circumstances.
Chin: I have continued to beat myself up for what I did in this event. I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don't hurt anybody again.
Collarbone: I am sorry for what I did and open to the possibility that I might be able to forgive myself.
Under Arm: I hurt myself and others by what I did in this event. If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved, or cared for.
Top of head: I am willing to consider the possibility that I am a better person today and am sorry for this event that happened in the past.
At this point, check in with yourself to see if there has been any change concerning the guilt and shame that you had when you thought about this event. Has the intensity changed? If you felt the guilt and shame in your body, has the feeling stayed the same or has that changed? If there is anything remaining, what is it that you think you might be holding onto?
Have you found that you have begun to shift your focus to a different aspect of the event? If so, try to keep your focus on the original aspect in order to clear that and get that to a 0 level of intensity first.
After you have been able to say that you are sorry, the next step is to make amends. Making amends means you are willing to go above and beyond steps you would normally take with the person that has been hurt to show that you are aware that you have missed the mark, have learned from the event and are willing to repair the relationship. Sometimes the person that was hurt is not available.
At that point, choose to do something that would be symbolic or charitable that you would not normally do. The focus is on the intent of the action. If you find resistance to making amends and taking action that will help with forgiveness, then tap on the resistance. You might find that you are not really ready to let go of your shame and guilt. Or another aspect might have surfaced and you need to go through the first two parts of this before moving onto this next step. Here are suggestions for tapping to relieve the resistance to forgiveness.
Even though a part of me is stuck and continues to blame myself and is not ready to let go of my guilt and shame concerning this event, I am willing to consider letting go of past hurt and pain and to trust in my goodness.
Eyebrow: I am willing to consider letting go of past hurt and pain.
Side of eye: I realize that there is goodness in me.
Under eye: I am willing to take a risk and to let go of my guilt and shame.
Under nose: My guilt and shame have helped to protect me and a part of me is scared to remove those protective feelings.
Chin: I am willing to take a risk and to forgive myself for what I have done.
Collarbone: I believe that I can change and I am willing to relieve the feelings of guilt and shame that I have had for so long concerning this event.
Under Arm: I believe that I can learn to trust myself again.
Top of head: I am willing to consider trusting in my goodness.
At this point, you have gone through three of the steps toward forgiving yourself. The fourth part of the forgiveness technique is about the future. At some point in the future, you are likely to be faced with a similar situation. This will be an opportunity to take corrective action. When you are in this similar event, make the correct choice where you can “hit the mark.” Once you have done that then you will be in a position to truly forgive yourself.
Use the forgiveness technique to resolve one incident at a time. Focus on areas where you have hurt yourself or someone else and need to forgive yourself. Once you have removed the events with the most charge, you will find that other events might surface as might different aspects of the same event. Use EFT for all the different aspects. As you do this, you are likely to find that you will be feeling more confident and your energy will be lighter.
Loren Fogelman, M.Ed., CADCI
