EFT for Couples

By Tam & Mair Llewellyn-Edwards, EFT Masters 

Generally speaking EFT is used on individuals either on themselves or with a therapist.  Even when ‘Borrowing Benefits’ is used, although the therapy is carried out in a large group, each individual has EFT applied to their own problem.  In this article we will show how in our Tickhill Clinic, in Yorkshire UK, we apply EFT in a couples setting.

We sometimes work with a couple in the course of our normal sessional therapy work and in such cases we work as we would with any client who presents with a problem.  However a lot of our work in this area is done during our “Couples Retreats” where we use a mixture of group and individual sessions. Here we use the term ‘couple’ in its broadest sense.  Most of those we work with are married, but we also work with unmarried couples both heterosexual and homosexual (of both sexes).  Also included are other forms of ‘couple’ – business partners, entertainment duos and sporting pairs. In some instances only one of the pair actually attends the retreat. We find that all these different types of couples present with similar problems and that having them together at the same retreat produces a rich mix of experiences. 

In this article we shall trace the progress of a couple, who we shall call John and Jill, through one of our retreats.  John and Jill were not married but had been in a stable relationship for over nine years and had two young children.  The relationship had always been good, but now both realized it was getting a little rough at the edges.  There had only been one serious problem, which had occurred very early on in the relationship, when John was unfaithful but that had been overcome and forgiven.  They both had a number of small complaints about the other, but taken individually these seemed minor to the point of insignificance although taken together both parties agrees they were spoiling the relationship. At the start of the retreat we teach EFT from the basics as many of the couples have no prior knowledge of the therapy.  We teach basic EFT very quickly and continue the learning process by means of demonstrating using volunteer couples from the group.  This is basically applying the ‘Borrowing benefits’ technique to specific identified problems.

As well as group sessions the retreat includes personal sessions with individual couples. While one of us is working with a specific couple the other works with other members of the group teaching meditation, and relaxing exercises.  If we are both working with one couple using EFT the other couples in the group are free to walk in the countryside and practice their meditative walking or just to wander.

We provide therapy at the retreat in three phases. In the first we use mainly one to one therapy. We take up the example of John and Jill as they worked individually with us both.  Usually Tam works with the female while Mair works with the male, but in many cases the couples prefer same sex therapists.  This is particularly the case when one or both partners present with comments such as ‘Men simply do not understand’. This was the case with John and Jill, so Tam worked with John and Mair with Jill. 

During this stage we use standard EFT techniques to work with whatever problems are presented. In this case the problems for both John and Jill seemed to revolve about one sex not really understanding the other, but we also worked on specific problems revolving on (usually insignificant) actions of one partner which irritate the other.  With both partners a few issues were cleared but again with both partners a host of apparently minor things still were looming large.  Jill had a specific problem which revolved around John’s early unfaithfulness.  It had happened very early in the relationship and she had genuinely forgiven him, but she had not forgotten. It was not that she held any hidden resentment or blame, but rather that she feared she was not attractive enough to hold him and it would happen again.  Mary worked specifically on this aspect and EFT neutralized that fear

The second phase involves the couple working with just one therapist and it is in this phase that we alter our presentation to a specific couple oriented technique. Each partner is given, in turn, the task of using EFT on the other. 

We usually ask the couples to tap on each other as we find the contact is useful in the healing. This method of using EFT has proved to be very powerful, and works very well but the therapist needs to control the situation carefully in the early stages. John and Jill were both amazed at the little things which each had been doing which had been upsetting the other.  They laughed at many of them and quickly agreed to stop others.  Jill was able to bring up her fears of not being sufficiently attractive to hold John which were leading her to fear loosing him and to suspect that he may be at some stage unfaithful to her.  John’s response was so loving and gentle it reassured Jill greatly.  This could be seen in her demeanor, as she immediately grew in stature and confidence.

As the therapy continued, with each taking turns to tap on the other, it was obvious that love and care was growing between them.  At the end of this phase we always use Gary Craig’s ‘radiating love technique’ where each of the partners sits in silence with their eyes close and generates more and more love to flow first within then to expand to envelop the other.  This technique sometimes seems strange when the couple do not have a sexual relationship (for instance when they are business or sports partners) but after an initial hesitation they usually see that the radiating of love does not necessarily need to have a sexual aspect.

For the final phase of the retreat we return to a group session and run a standard ‘Borrowing Benefits Session’ using as the subject a partner or couple with a noticeable unresolved problem while the others use the opportunity to borrow benefits on their own remaining problems.  Reports from this final session always show an amazingly high success rate.

These ‘Couples Retreats’ have proved very successful and reports from the couples involved have show them to be extremely helpful in bringing back the magic to a relationships and adding new dimensions. We feel it is a combination of the power of EFT to remove tension and anxiousness causing uncomfortable feelings in a relationship, together with the opportunity to relax in a safe environment away from the normal tensions of life and taking part in relaxing exercise and meditation makes this combined methodology a winner.

Tam and Mair Llewellyn-Edwards