EFT is helpful when you are afraid to speak up in bed

By Nancy A. Morris, EFT-ADV

Marie contacted me looking for help with her ability to enjoy sex.  (These are not their real names; this is published with client’s permission.)  She’s 62 and has a great boyfriend, Nick, who she’s crazy about and who really turns her on, but she’s been unable to really feel fulfilled during their lovemaking.  In our first telephone session Marie said that she’d only been able to have 3 orgasms in 2 years and that was with a vibrator.

Marie said she felt “defective”, “like a fool” and “pathetic” when she compared herself to other women, especially how she imagined Nick’s ex-girlfriends were.  Marie was really beating herself up about this even though she said she had high self esteem in other areas of her life.  We worked on this phrase: 

Even though I can’t compete with other women when it comes to sex…  Marie’s estimation of the truth of this statement started at 9 out of 10 and subsequently reduced to 7, 5, 3, and 0. 

To get this reduction we worked through various aspects of her feelings:  (1) Thinking Nick was comparing her (no evidence of this, just Marie’s worry); (2) Marie being 7 years older than Nick; (3) Not deserving such a terrific boyfriend.

I asked Marie what Nick thought about her age and his point of view was that she was lucky to have the beautiful breasts and body that she has, so we tapped several rounds on this to remind her that THIS was what he thought, the other negative thoughts were hers.  I reminded Marie how, as women, we tend to scrutinize our bodies for their flaws but that most men focus on the things they enjoy about us … our curves, the softness of our skin, our smell, our sounds, etc. 

Men are busy enjoying us; we need not waste our time focusing on our imperfections.  She seemed to really “get” the truth of this waste of her energies when she could be paying attention to what feels good instead of being in her head.  We tapped in these positive statements:  He’s enjoying my soft skin, He loves my shapely legs, I smell really good to him, He loves having his hands on my round ass, my breasts feel good to him, etc.  Marie loved how she felt after this round.

Our second session was only a week later and we worked on two specific areas that Marie had revealed during our first conversation that I thought might be causing some of her problem with enjoying sex fully.  The first was that she said “I don’t know what I want.”  My experience has shown that often we (both men and women) tell ourselves we “don’t know what we want” because we don’t know HOW to ask for it and thus are AFRAID to ask.  Our fear is so strong that it blocks our admitting to ourselves that we at least have some ideas about what we might like when it comes to lovemaking. 

I asked Marie if she felt Nick really wanted to please her.  She enthusiastically said yes, he definitely wants to make her happy in bed, but insisted she had no idea what she wanted.  I gently pursued a line of questioning about masturbation and Marie’s ability to satisfy herself.  Since she knew how to give herself an orgasm, it only makes sense that she really does know “what works” and is just unable to put it into words.

After a little more questioning Marie admitted that because this was the best relationship she ever had, she was afraid to experiment and ruin a good thing.  Marie admitted “I can’t ask for anything.  I just let things happen and hope it’ll turn out well”.  She said she wanted spontaneity and believed “it can’t work if I ask for what I want”.  This too is a very common limiting belief. 

We tapped on all these issues and I assured Marie that if Nick cared for her the way she’s so sure he does that he would be delighted to get some hints about how to bring her satisfaction.  I’ve taught classes that included very specific ways to communicate with your partner during love play to help guide them without making them feel inadequate or causing any upset.  I coached Marie in this method and she took notes and agreed that this seemed like something she could do.  We tapped this in:

Even though I’ve been afraid to speak up…

Even though, up until now, I’ve been afraid to ask for what I want, I love and forgive myself.  Even though I’ve been afraid to ask for what I want, I now have the desire to ask and I love and accept this about myself.  Then, tapping the basic EFT tapping points:

Afraid to ask

I’ve been afraid to ask

Now I know how to ask

I may not always know exactly what I want … but I can say what I think I might like

I don’t have to be sure it’ll work

I can make a suggestion, ‘I think I might like it if you’d…

We’ll feel like we’re on the same team

Like we’re sorting this out together

It can be fun

It’ll probably feel good

Nick really wants to please me

I really want to feel pleased

Now I know how to encourage him when something feels good

Now I know how to ask for what might feel even better

Now I know to appreciate him whenever he does something that feels nice to me

This will be fun

I’m eager to try it

By the end of this tapping, Marie felt enthusiastic about coaching Nick during their next lovemaking.  Another issue then arose … Marie explained to me that when she did start to get turned on she was unable to move around to really enjoy it; she was afraid Nick would stop touching her if she moved.  I asked Marie if there was any incident from her past.  She said that she is naturally a very kinesthetic person but that growing up there was no touching, kissing or affection in her home. 

Then, when she was 16 years old and babysitting for the neighbor’s children, they gathered around her and brushed her hair and she liked it so much she didn’t dare move.  She said she stopped breathing and just sat there and didn’t move an inch.  She loved their affections so much she was afraid they’d stop if she moved.  This incident gave her a level intensity of 5 out of 10.  We tapped through it using the movie technique and got it easily down to a zero.

About 6 weeks later I followed up with Marie and received this email, excerpts are printed with her permission: 

“Where I am now is that I speak up.  We are learning each other's bodies in a new way because I no longer am afraid that if I move he will stop touching me.  That is huge right there.  I know what I need to become wildly hot and now I'm willing to guide him and he is just fine with it.  Thank you for your kind help and I'll keep you posted.”

Marie added that she felt “it has only just begun”.  I think she’s absolutely right.  Once communication is opened up so that exploration can begin, pleasure can be limitless.

EFT is the perfect tool for situations like this.  All the logic and reasoning in the world sometimes can’t seem to get into us, even though we understand and believe it logically.  With EFT as a helper we can change the negative thought patterns that have been there for a very long time, and change them permanently.  EFT is great!

Warm hugs, Nancy A. Morris, EFT-ADV