Stronger orgasms with EFT

By Nancy Morris

Hi Gary,

The Situation: Donna (not her real name) is a delightful and intelligent woman familiar with EFT. When she contacted me she said she was happily married and enjoyed intimacy and arousal and when making love some felt sexual release but no real orgasms. She wanted to have "bigger orgasms". She had already tried to get results on her own using EFT without success.

Detective work: After some gentle detective work Donna said she had reached only one orgasm in her life (NOTE: Specific Event). In addition, even when pleasuring herself she was able to feel some "sexual release" or a "mild orgasm" but she knew there was something much bigger available.

A little inquiry showed that as a child she felt orgasms in her sleep and they were a "secret" she couldn't tell her mother. In her family she had to hide her feelings and not express herself. Donna also went to religious schools with strict nuns and learned that sex was for procreation. She was sure Mom would have said these orgasms were wrong. NOTE: There already are several incidents/ beliefs from her past that make it seem like a bad thing to have orgasms and, if you have them, you must hide them.

Donna went on to talk about her current life and how she is the kind of person who "puts on a smiley face", hides difficulties even from close friends, and does not feel safe to show her feelings because she's afraid others would not like her or respect her (NOTE how often the word "hide" comes up). She said she "holds things inside" out of fear. This perked my ears up because sometimes we hold orgasms inside, thus hiding them, out of fear. The detective work was very revealing.

Moving on to some EFT: We did some tapping on the very general statement,
Even though I hold things inside...
Even though I hold things inside of me, I love and forgive myself.
Even though I tend to hold everything inside, I completely love and forgive myself. This was just to take the edge off and make it easier to delve deeper.

Chasing the Pain: When I asked Donna how she felt when she just thought about the time that she was able to have that one orgasm, she said she didn't feel much. So I then asked her to start describing the Specific Event when she had that one orgasm starting at the beginning where there was no intensity for her and to let me know the minute she felt any intensity at all. As she began the story of the event, very quickly she noticed pressure in her throat and upper chest at a level of intensity of 2 out of 10. We tapped on that, and the feeling moved to the roof of her mouth where it was also a 2 out of 10. We tapped on that feeling and it moved to her stomach and she described it as angst. NOTE: "chasing the pain" around her body helped her to identify the emotion(s) (more to come) behind the physical sensations.

Aspects Come Up: Now Donna was able to identify how "startled" she felt when she did have that orgasm. She'd felt very self-conscious and uncomfortable and wanted to "pretend it didn't happen". This discomfort was at a level of intensity of 5 on a scale of 0 to 10 and we were able to tap it down to a 2 and then to 0.

Another aspect came up when Donna became aware of the sense of "betrayal" and "hidden anger" (again holding in her feelings) at her partner because he made such a big deal about her having that orgasm. We tapped for her anger until it was down and suddenly replaced by the Embarrassment and Shame she felt that prior to that because she couldn't have an orgasm. This is a totally different aspect and was addressed separately. We were at the end of our time and Donna said she would tap on these aspects on her own.

EFT Homework: I also offered Donna two practical suggestions: (1) that she do specific Kegel exercises I described, every day to strengthen her pelvic muscles and bring more blood and energy to her pelvic area and (2) that she pleasure herself using the Start/Stop method of getting turned on and close or orgasm, then stop for a moment (4 seconds at most) and start again until she felt close again, then stop for a brief moment (2 seconds at most) and start again, doing this as many times as she wanted. This exercise helps us feel comfortable in that place of full tumescence (turn on/sense of fullness), gives a sense of control, and, best of all, helps build the maximum amount of sexual energy for the biggest orgasms.

Donna sent this note after our first session: "A quick note to let you know there have been many shifts within me in lots of different areas."

As is often the case, in our next session Donna said she'd come up with a lot of new thoughts and memories. Some were very general, like her anger at the sexual abuse of women throughout the world and the general view that sex is for the enjoyment of men. We did a little tapping on this, but focused more on Specific Events from her past that she remembered.

Specific Events: Donna had an uncle who embarrassed all the women in the family by surprising them and pulling up their shirts. She'd felt invaded, of course, but had no sense that she had a right to protect herself. His behavior was like a family joke, but she hated it. She also recalled another Specific Event which was her first kiss in 7th grade when her older sister's boyfriend held her down on the kitchen floor with a knife to her throat (in a teasing way) and her sister stood there and laughed. It was understandable why Donna would not feel safe "letting go" into orgasm given the many incidents and messages from her past. Using EFT and Tell the Story we were able to get the intensity on the "Knife Story" from a 7 - 5 - 0 on a scale of 0 to 10. We also tapped on the Uncle who pulled her shirt up until it was a 0.

Testing using "Try Saying This": We talked about her fear of having an orgasm, and that in order to have a nice big orgasm we have to lose control; it is called "the little death" in French. Donna felt her fear was a 7 and we tapped it down to a 4. Then I asked her to say "I'd love to lose control in bed". NOTE: very different from just saying "I'd love to lose control". Her intensity was a 4. Through several rounds we got it down to a 2 and then ½, then 0 addressing her embarrassment and her hesitancy along the way.

Testing using the Imagination: Donna was tuned into all the disappointment she'd felt over the years about this. So I asked her to imagine a situation where she was very close to having a full-blown orgasm and then not being able to "go over the edge" including the frustration, disappointment, and physical discomfort and evaluate her level of intensity. She was a 7 out of 10. We did this Setup for Psychological Reversal:

Even though I've been frustrated in the past...
Even though I've been frustrated with myself in the past, I love and forgive myself.
Even though I've been frustrated many times, I completely love and accept myself and all my reactions.

Then we tapped several different sequences with Reminder Phrase like these: I've been frustrated, this frustration, it may happen again, it's not the end of the world, this frustration, do I want to give up?, this frustration, I really want to have orgasms, this frustration, it's not such a big deal, I want to keep trying, I'm open to having orgasms, it's a natural process, I'm a brave woman now, I'm a mature woman now, I can handle a disappointment, I know things can get better, I know I'm capable of having orgasms, I had one before, I'm so grateful for my wonderful relationship, I'm grateful for the life I have, I love and accept myself, I really want to have orgasms, I'm going to keep trying.

At the end of the tapping when I asked her to tune In to her intensity when she imagined being very close to orgasm and not going over the edge her intensity was a zero.

EFT Homework: I suggested for homework that Donna continue with the Kegel exercises. In addition we established EFT Setup phrases that she felt comfortable with:
Even though I've been disappointed in the past...
Do a round of tapping with Reminder Phrases "disappointment" and "love and accept myself" alternating phrases on each tapping point.
Even though I don't know how to orgasm yet, I'm committed to learning.
Do a round of tapping with Reminder Phrases "don't know how yet" and "I'm committed to learning" alternating phrases.
Even though I haven't climaxed yet, I ask my body to help me in every way it can.
Do a round of tapping with Reminder Phrases "haven't climaxed yet" and "more sexual energy in my body" and "I ask my body's help" alternating all phrases.

Status Report: After our second session Donna wrote: "EFT relieved some underlying pressure (thus) enabling me to enjoy sex more." As Donna points out, pressure is the enemy of pleasure. The more pressure we put on ourselves, it becomes less and less likely pleasure will be experienced (even if it is there). Donna is well on her way to those bigger orgasms she wants.

Warm hugs from Nancy Morris

PS: This article is one of those cases where wonderful progress was made, discovering and clearing specific events, and the client, for unknown reasons, stopped short of her ultimate goal. It breaks my heart when someone gives up when their goal seems within reach. Persistence is the key. Every woman I've worked with who has achieved the orgasms she wanted did two things: she did EFT tapping homework between sessions and she didn't give up.