Men only want one thing

by Gary Craig

Hi Everyone,

This is about core issues, humor and using reframes with EFT.

I met "Alice" at a friend's house over the Holidays. She sat in her chair most of the time because her ankles were too painful when she walked. She was age 50, substantially overweight (approx. 300 lbs) and spoke in monotones as if protecting herself from being happy or enthusiastic. She was good at pleasant conversation, but nary a smile did I see.

As often happens when I am at gatherings, the conversation turned to EFT. Naturally, several well meaning friends who were "in the know" about EFT pushed for Alice and I to get together. The hope was that EFT would "take care of her ankles." So, after dinner we found a quiet room and began a conversation that went like this....

GC: When did your ankles first start to bother you?

ALICE: About a year and a half ago.

GC: I gather you've been to doctors about your ankle pains.

ALICE: Yes, several. I'm on three medications and none of them seem to work very well. I get some temporary relief, but that's about it.

GC: Are there any other problems?

ALICE: Yes. Over the last year I've been getting pains in my arms, shoulders and back. No one seems to know why.

GC: OK. Let's try a round or two of EFT for the ankle pain. "Even though I have these ankle pains...."

Note: After three rounds there was no result. Her ankle pains, while sitting, were at a constant 6. At this point, I could have gotten more specific and addressed something like, "the pain in the right side of my left ankle" but I chose instead to go for emotional contributors. This was a fairly easy decision, by the way, because her overweight condition, protective monotone speech and deadpan face were SHOUTING for emotional relief. Her body, it seemed, was generating physical signs (pain) as a reflection of her lack of emotional peace.

GC: Was there a difficult emotional event that happened prior to your ankle pains?

ALICE: Yes. Louie shattered my heart.

GC: How so?

ALICE: I've never done well with men. They always seduce me and get me into bed for awhile. They make promises that get my hopes up and then they drop me.

GC: Always?

ALICE: Yes. Louie was just the most recent. Before Louie I was celibate for 10 years. Too much pain involved in going down that road. I would rather "do without."

GC: So why did you get involved with Louie?

ALICE: I thought he would be different. But he wasn't. After some sweet talking promises and several weeks in the bedroom, he left. He never called me back and didn't answer my calls. Men only want one thing.

GC: Men only want one thing?

ALICE: Yes! Men only want one thing.

GC: Is that an exaggeration?

ALICE: No! It is the TRUTH and there are no exceptions (said with anger).

Note: This was the first sign of any animation in her demeanor--although it wasn't exactly a candidate for the Jovial Gesture of the Month Club. At this point, it was becoming clear that Alice's issues were very global and centered around love, acceptance, rejection and related issues. Her "men only want one thing" belief appeared to be a symptom of a much larger issue known as "I'm not lovable."

It was also becoming clear that we were not going to get an EFT "one minute wonder" out of this. The "I'm not lovable" issue is very pervasive and is usually loaded with individual events that give rise to this belief. This is a many-session issue and all we had was a little "after dinner time" to address it. So, I thought I would try to at least loosen things up a bit by aiming at the "men only want one thing" belief.

GC: Are you angry that men only want one thing?

ALICE: Of course!

GC: Why be angry at the TRUTH?

ALICE: What do you mean?

GC: Well.....are you angry at gravity?

ALICE: No, but that's an absurd question. No one gets angry at gravity.

Note: This "gravity thing" was an attempt at a reframe that was done BEFORE we used EFT. Even the most creative reframes rarely land well without the prior cognitive shifts that occur through tapping.

GC: OK. Tap with me. (I had her tap up and down her body on all the points while saying the following things) "Even though men only want one thing..."

ALICE: Even though men only want one thing...

GC: and I'm angry about that...
ALICE: and I'm angry about that...

GC: because if they would only behave the way I want them to...
ALICE: because if they would only behave the way I want them to...

GC: and live THEIR lives according to MY rules...
ALICE: and live THEIR lives according to MY rules...

GC: I wouldn't feel so unloved.
ALICE: I wouldn't feel so unloved. (instant tears--Bingo)

pause

GC: Every woman should feel the way I do about men....
ALICE: Every woman should feel the way I do about men...

GC: and they should choose celibacy just like me....
ALICE: And they should choose celibacy just like me.... (a glimmer of a smile)

GC: because I know the TRUTH.
ALICE: because I know the TRUTH. (her first real smile)

GC: For some reason...
ALICE: For some reason...

GC: I'm not angry at gravity...
ALICE: I'm not angry at gravity....

GC: even though gravity is also the TRUTH.
ALICE: even though gravity is also the TRUTH.

GC: I mean, think about it...
ALICE: I mean, think about it....

GC: gravity keeps me stuck on this earth so I can't fly about at will...
ALICE: gravity keeps me stuck on this earth so I can't fly about at will...

GC: and it makes my body sag...
ALICE: and it makes my body sag...

GC: and contributes to my ankle pains...
ALICE: and contributes to my ankle pains...

GC: and I can't do diddly about it.
ALICE: and I can't do diddly about it. (big smile)

pause

GC: I don't know why I pardon gravity for being what it is....
ALICE: I don't know why I pardon gravity for being what it is...

GC: but get angry at men for only wanting one thing.
ALICE: but get angry at men for only wanting one thing.

GC: I wonder why I get rather selective about which TRUTH to vent my wrath upon....
ALICE: I wonder why I get rather selective about which TRUTH to vent my wrath upon....

GC: and punish it by being celibate.
ALICE: and punish it by being celibate. (she laughs--the reframes are landing well)

pause

GC: If men only want one thing...
ALICE: If men only want one thing....

GC: then why shouldn't I accept that, like I do gravity.....
ALICE: then why shouldn't I accept that, like I do gravity....

GC: and enjoy it....
ALICE: and enjoy it....

GC: instead of confusing it with deeper issues, like not feeling loved as a child.
ALICE: instead of confusing it with deeper issues, like not feeling loved as a child.

Note: This last phrase hit the bulls eye and a noticeable "A-HA" came over her face. All the rest of the reframes were building to this one realization. We finished the session with a little levity which also seemed to do away with her monotone speech.

GC: There is probably some truth to "men only want one thing".....
ALICE: There is probably some truth to "men only want one thing".....

GC: just like there's probably some truth to "women are attracted to men for their money."
ALICE: just like there's probably some truth to "women are attracted to men for their money."

GC: But they may not be absolutely true.
ALICE: But they may not be absolutely true.

GC: Perhaps I can treat them more flexibly in my belief system...
ALICE: Perhaps I can treat them more flexibly in my belief system...

GC: instead of confusing my past rejections with men's erections.
ALICE: instead of confusing my past rejections with men's erections. (she laughs)

GC: I suffer needlessly from erection rejection.
ALICE: I suffer needlessly from erection rejection. (another laugh)

GC: Maybe my reflections upon men's erections need some corrections.
ALICE: Maybe my reflections upon men's erections need some corrections. (a major belly laugh)

This was a stopping point. We had, within 15 or 20 minutes, lightened up the excuse of "men only want one thing" and pointed toward the deeper problem. Along the way, the tapping removed her emotional resistance to the reframes, thereby allowing them to land. There is still much to do, of course. This was just a beginning.

Her ankle pain wasn't any better after the session but the deadpan face and the monotone speech were nowhere to be found...and...she had a much different perspective on "men only want one thing."

Hugs, Gary

P.S. Sex is a fascinating topic. Depending on one's perspective, it gives rise to everything from ecstasy to shame. For many people, it occupies their thoughts far more than any other subject. Perhaps we should have a national holiday dedicated to Sex. We could call it...Only One Thing Day.