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Tinkie said, "I don't fit in"

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

by Gary Craig

Hi Everyone,

I will be introducing you to "Tinkie" a little later. But first, I need to cover some foundational ideas.

The EFT Course recommends that we "be specific where possible" when addressing a person's issues. Thus a war veteran might find it more efficient to tap on a specific event such as "the time I was held with a gun to my temple" instead of a more global issue such as "my war memories." This specific approach was demonstrated quite successfully on our "6 Days at the VA" tape with both Rich and Robert (Vietnam war veterans).

The advantage of being specific is twofold:

1. It is easier for the client to recognize the immediate benefit s/he is receiving through the tapping. This is because their intensity on a specific event is typically eliminated in a matter of minutes. They may get intense about other things but this specific event becomes just a routine memory with no more intensity than that of "talking about a shopping trip." This latter phrase is a quote from Buz, a Vietnam veteran featured on our audio tapes.

2. After reducing the intensity of several related specific events (i.e. negative trees in an emotional forest), the whole forest often falls. Thus Rich (from our "6 Days at the VA" tape) used EFT on 6 or 7 specific intense war memories and all 100+ of his intense war memories lost their sting. His ever present intrusive memories subsided and his sleep went from 4 hours per night to 7.

But what about cases where the client presents a bothersome global issue (such as "I don't fit in") and, upon recalling related specific events, isn't really able to bring up any current intensity? Can we still address the problem? Of course we can. The following session with "Tinkie" demonstrates how.

"Tinkie" is the nickname for a friend of my family. As the name implies she is petite, lively and has a Tinker Belle type personality. On Thanksgiving day (over 3 weeks ago) I overheard this 30 year old say....

"I don't fit in."

It wasn't a casual statement. She meant it and it was clear to me that this "limit" was affecting her decisions, her self image and her life in general. So my little "happy helper" within persuaded me to take her aside and see if we couldn't do something about this globally stated issue. Surely, I thought, there are some specific events underlying her perception of not fitting in. Perhaps we could locate a handful of them, apply EFT and then stand back while the forest falls.

She recalled several past events that were probable contributors to the problem. Some of them were from past boy friends and some of them were events in the workplace. However, she had no current intensity about any of them nor did she get any intensity about saying the phrase, "I don't fit in." It was as if she was resigned to this status in life. It was just part of who she was. Sigh!

So we started tapping. We used topics such as.....

"Even though Dan said, 'Why are you always so different....'.....""Even though Billy gave me that quizzical look.....""Even though Chris hit me....""Even though Mrs. Jackson complained that I am too young for my responsible position....""Even though Molly gave me that disapproving raise of the eyebrows...."etc. etc. for about 10 issues.

We did several rounds on each of these, assuming each time that there was more left to do. It is possible, of course, that we were completely finished with each issue with only one round. But since there was no current intensity to begin with, we had no way to measure when we were done. Each round of EFT only takes moments so we applied some overkill and repeatedly addressed each problem with subsequent rounds starting with....

"Even though I still have some of this...."

I call this STEPPING ALL OVER THE PROBLEM and often use it when there are no readily available progress barometers. Those readers who have seen our advanced tapes know that I have developed an internal thermometer that I see in my mind's eye (anyone can do this, by the way--it just takes practice). This is a useful intuitive means to assess progress and I used it in this case. Just for good measure, however, I did an extra round or two on each issue even after my thermometer registered zero (which it did in every case). Why not? It doesn't take long. Call it insurance if you like.

Interspersed among all this tapping, Tinkie and I would pause for some reframing type discussions. We talked about how "not fitting in" was her own inside job--a perception to which she was giving undue weight. She genuinely saw the point. The reframes were landing. Cognitive shifts were apparent in our conversation as she talked about the problem in a more distant, and humorous, manner. This, as much as anything, is evidence of progress. We also reframed "not fitting in" as an enviable feature of creative people. This landed as well. She mentioned friends and celebrities that were admired because they were refreshingly different. Who wants to pal around with a conforming, "me too" thinker anyway. How boring!

We then tapped in a more global manner (with a reframe or two built in--again, see our advanced tapes for this extra twist).

"Even though I don't fit in...or at least I didn't think so.....""Even though others have a need to gossip and throw stones, that is their challenge more than mine...""Even though those who think I don't fit in are jealous and wish they had my balls...." (Note: a little humor here that proved to be quite effective. Humor, I find, is almost always useful within a session. It lets you know where you stand. If they genuinely laugh about a formerly serious issue you can usually assume some success.)

Altogether we spent about two hours. When we were done, our only evidence of success was her reframed thinking about the issue and her report that she felt "lighter" about it. These are encouraging words, of course, but the real proof of progress was how she would respond to future events.

She told me that the previous frequency of her issue was about 2 or 3 times per week. That is, 2 or 3 times per week she would perceive a "not fitting in" event and would get an intense "thud" which resulted in tears and/or angry outbursts. I just spoke with her on the phone and she reported that she experienced only one "mini-thud" in the last 3 weeks and that was quickly resolved. This, in retrospect, was surprising to her as she has been near the center of some recent controversy/criticism in her workplace. These current work circumstances are annoying to her (as might normally be expected) but there have been no tears or angry outbursts. Further, the idea of not fitting in hasn't occurred to her at all.

Is she done? I doubt it. Is anyone ever done? There's always more to do. But for now the phrase, "I don't fit in" seems to have subtly tip toed out of her self talk. My "happy helper" and I are quite pleased.

Hugs, Gary


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