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Articles & Ideas

Core Issues

Obsession with having affairs ends after finding the core issue

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

Hi Everyone,

Sam Smith from Australia takes us down a detailed path leading to the successful resolution of a difficult problem.

Hugs, Gary

By Sam Smith

Hi Gary,

This case surrounds a woman, 'Georgie' who sought an appointment regarding her particular predicament. Georgie is 38 years old. She is an attractive, successful professional woman - a lawyer - who is on her second marriage. She has two children from her first marriage. She was open, seemingly honest and forthright. And in her words she 'has the morals of an alley cat.'

It transpires that Georgie has had a series of sexual liaisons, one-night stands and affairs throughout the course of both marriages, which she had apparently successfully hidden from her partners, her family and her colleagues. She didn't know why it started but that it did start about a year into her first marriage. She said that her marriages had been happy in all respects. Her first husband had died prematurely from cancer. Both marriages had a pleasing and successful sex life. She had a normal healthy balanced childhood, raised by a loving mother and father in an affluent suburb. Her mother had died when she was twelve but her father was still alive.

I talked to her about these affairs to see if there were any obvious patterns. Here is the information in a nutshell.

Some of these men had been younger than Georgie, some older. They were from different professions and different backgrounds and localities.

Some were one-night stands and others took on a longer two to three week affair. She had even had sexual relations with some of her clients. With some there would be full sex, with others just oral sex only.

She met them in all sorts of places and couldn't discern what attracted her to them. She professed that there was no yearning, longing or urge for the sexual act. She could take it or leave it in relation to achieving an orgasm with them.

She stated she was not turned on by any excitement in conducting the affairs. And any intimacy she achieved was not important either.

Sometimes alcohol was involved, sometimes not. After each affair ended she would promise herself that would be the last time.

There was no time pattern either in between any of the affairs. Sometimes a few days, sometimes weeks had passed between them.

Being a busy lawyer she could successfully cover her tracks and hide these matters from her family, friends and colleagues. She was distraught at her behaviour having 'come to the end of her tether.' She didn't feel good about herself. She had sought a remedy. She had attended doctors, psychologists, hypnotists and NLP practitioners to try to change her behaviour.

She had also visited with an 'energy therapist' (Not an EFT practitioner) who informed her that she had something called 'massive reversal' which would take 6 months to a year to correct if she was willing! She was terrified at this lengthy prospect and of being discovered and what that would do to her and her family and her professional reputation.

Right from the start it was evident that there were going to be challenges in having Georgie tune into her problems. Her mind was racing whenever she discussed or tried to focus on a specific situation. It would jump all over the place and all that was coming out was a jumbled confusion that was making it very difficult for her to identify and remain on a specific situation or issue that she wanted to work on.

But this is why I love the gift of EFT. You can adapt it to anything.

It was obvious that Georgie had to be calmer before we went anywhere so I had her start with this statement.

'Even though I have trouble focusing on a specific situation I deeply, completely, accept love and forgive myself.'

She rated her trouble in focusing on a specific situation on a 0-10 scale at a 10 out of 10 (10/10).

After the setup we took four rounds of tapping to push it down to a five and you could see her changing physical appearance. She was a lot calmer. I asked if there were any physical or emotional symptoms that accompanied her thoughts as we worked on the above statement. She stated that it was not physical as such but that she had a 'whirlwind' in her mind as she began to talk about her issues. She described it as a cloudy, tall; whirlwind that was turning very fast in her mind. Now that she had 'settled down' it seemed to her that this whirlwind was present a lot.

So we worked on 'Even though I have this very fast cloudy whirlwind turning in my mind, I deeply and completely love accept myself."

She rated it a 9/10. It was wonderful to see that after 11 rounds working on this statement and slight variations of it, the whirlwind effect was gone. For the first time she said that her mind had stopped racing and she was really calm when we talked about her situation. Persistent tapping really does work.

We then worked on the following statements that came up during discussion:

Even though I am a slut I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I have the morals of an alley cat I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I've always been like this I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I am ashamed at my behaviour I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I'm embarrassed by my behaviour I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though if my children found out I'd die I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I can't stop I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I love my husband I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though I don't know why I do this I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself
Even though it isn't necessary for me to do this I deeply and completely love, forgive and accept myself

We were progressing well. Most of the above issues rated at 8/9 or 10 and we were getting them down to 3's and 4's after an average of six rounds of tapping. But where was the core issue?

Our session was about to end and I had telephone clients covering my next sessions. I wanted to keep the momentum moving - Georgie was enthralled by EFT's affect on her and of the benefits she had already gained. As I was free later that afternoon I asked Georgie if she would return. She agreed.

Before she left I pulled out a workbook. This workbook is based on your Personal Peace Procedure. This is where I love EFT and the techniques you share with us Gary. They can be adapted so easily and so readily to any situation. I gave Georgie these instructions. She was to sit down and fill the workbook with as many specific incidents regarding her sexual promiscuity as she could remember. She was then to title incidents as movies and we would examine them on her return.

She also had been given a 'protective' set-up statement to use whilst writing these on these matters. I had written it within the workbook for her to use should she feel any negative physical or emotional discomfort arising as she was carrying out the exercise. It was."Even though I'm writing down these specific incidents from my life and I am feeling ashamed; guilty; sad; angry or some other emotion or feeling with myself or others, I deeply and completely love, accept and forgive myself."

When Georgie returned later that afternoon she had completed 51 specific incidents in the workbook and given each a title. She said that there were more but that she had run out of time. Her physical appearance was still calm. There had been no more whirlwinds or confusion in her mind as she completed the exercise.

Georgie did say that she used the protective setup statement and tapped for the first several incidents that she had listed because she had felt tearful, afraid and ashamed. The tapping had calmed her down and in her words 'funnily enough I didn't need it anymore. After a little while all those feelings had gone.'

I read the specific events and titles. I ignored the most recent and concentrated on the older more historic ones where I felt there may be a clue to her behaviour.

Number 16 was significant.

It described Georgie losing her virginity at age 15 to an older boyfriend of that time. The title was most intriguing - "Mothers Revenge"

I asked her about this but she said that she didn't know why she had used that title. She had just been following the instructions to write and title as quickly as possible and not to analyze. Her mother had always been very caring and supportive and she had a hard time when she died. She also said that there was no real negative emotional tug surrounding the incident. It was a fact of life. She wanted to do it and had done it.

Well now I asked her to analyze. I used the questions...
What does that situation remind you of?
G. Losing my virginity.
What else could it remind you of (What else is a wonderful lead in a question) She thought for a moment before answering.
G. Being a rebel
Why would it remind you of being a rebel?
I don't really know
What does the title you gave it remind you of?
G. I'm confused by it. But I guess it's about having a go at my mother
Why would you be 'having a go at your mother?'
G I don't know. I'm really confused. And the whirlwind is back. It's got my mothers face in it.

We tapped on this 'whirlwind with my mothers face in it' for several rounds. It went from 10 to 8, 5,4,2,0 and was gone

This was intriguing so I formulated a set-up statement. I had a hunch that a large part of the issue could be resolved here.

The statement was .'Even though I don't know why I was having a go at my mother I deeply and completely accept myself!'

We did five rounds of tapping on this second statement then I had Georgie add the words 'and my mother.' to the end of the setup. Two more rounds of tapping with the new addition and Georgie burst into tears. It appears that there was another whirlwind in her mind that had her mum's face within it.

We tapped on this 'whirlwind with my mothers face in it' for three rounds. It went from 10 to 6, 2, and was gone.

Georgie then recalled an incident she had forgotten all about. She remembered her mother had caught her in the garden when she was eleven with a boyfriend she really liked. Her first 'true' boyfriend. They had been holding each other and kissing and her mother had discovered them and had become furious. Her mother had gone into a tirade and dismissed the boy. Georgie was banished to her bedroom with no dinner and she remembered hearing her mother and father talking that evening as she sneaked downstairs to get something to eat. Her mother was calling her a tramp, her behaviour sluttish, and that once she was like that she could never change. Her mother would not let her out on her own without supervision. Then Georgie had to deal with the grief of her mother's death a few weeks after that. The trauma of dealing with her mother's death had apparently erased the incident from her memory.

So we tapped on the following real emotional content for Georgie.

Even though my mum thought I was a tramp I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though my mum though I was a slut I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though my mum told my dad I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though my mum got it all wrong I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though my mum thought I couldn't change I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though she was wrong I deeply and completely accept myself and her
Even though I had forgotten all about it I deeply and completely love and accept myself

Georgie's demeanor became so relaxed after this. She said she never felt so calm in a long time. It also 'released her memory.' But there was a burning question left. Why had she started the liaisons in the first place? What had triggered this behaviour?

Georgie thought she knew.

Her mother, as part of her will had left Georgie an inheritance in the form of a trust fund which was to be accessed at a certain age. She recalled that her first liaison was two days after the date of the issue of this trust fund. She remembered feelings of guilt and anger being associated with the receipt of the trust fund too. Could there be a connection? You can guess the answer!

All in all I had four sessions with Georgie. They were full sessions too. We worked on blocks she uncovered as she worked through her list as homework as you suggest. What a wonderful idea that is because we all can all become our own change guru's.

The effect that EFT has had on her life has been incredible. She has erased all the negative emotions surrounding her past promiscuity. She uses it constantly now, in her own words, 'to balance herself and get a sense of perspective' in her busy life. It has an added benefit also. She has become 'more clear in my thinking and analysis of what I'm working on at any given time.'

Georgie is happy. There have been no more affairs or liaisons. She is moving interstate to join a new practice and be nearer her family.

Today we had a symbolic ceremony where we ritually burned her workbook overlooking the ocean in an atmosphere of warmth, laughter, understanding and peace and her realization that EFT has given her back control of her life!

Now why would anyone want to work in any other field?

Many blessings,



Explore our newest advancement, Optimal EFT™, by reading my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™. More efficient. More powerful.