By Mair Llewellyn

“The unforgiving mind is in despair, without the prospect of a future which can offer anything but more despair.  Yet it regards its judgement of the world as irreversible, and does not see it has condemned itself to this despair.  It thinks it cannot change, for what it sees bears witness that its judgement is correct.  It does not ask, because it thinks it knows.  It does not question, certain it is right.”

From A Course in Miracles (ANON 1996) – Lesson 121

This follows on from my previous article entitled Clearing past issues published in Gary’s recent newsletter.  At the end of the article on clearing past issue the importance of forgiveness was mentioned as being one of the crucial keys of letting go and moving on.  The healing power of forgiveness is the subject of this article. Another important key to freedom from past issues is being in a state of gratitude and appreciation.  My thoughts on the value of this will be considered in a future article.

Forgiveness can be experienced more easily when we feel heard, respected and understood.  This is why I have begun to realise that the default set up statement “I deeply and completely love and accept myself” is so important. It is very unlikely that up until this point in time that self acceptance (on this issue) has been the case.  It is possible that no one else has really listened.  More importantly - when a client says “Even though I felt betrayed/abused……..” in that moment they are really listening to their hurt or sadness as never before.  That time of being there for ourselves is essential to inner healing.

I find that the word forgiveness is often misunderstood. Some people think that it involves condoning the event or behaviour. I think this is why we struggle with the idea of forgiveness.  Clients say it is as if the therapist or society is saying – “It is OK that he or she did this or that to me”.  Logically - it is acknowledged that this is not the case but emotionally however, it is experienced in this way because of the hurt. Understandably, clients are anxious about further trauma and abuse, they need and desire to be respected.  If there were better words,  I would willingly use them. 

An English Dictionary definition included below does not help to clarify either.

FORGIVE

1)  To cease to blame or hold resentment against someone or something

2)  To grant pardon for a mistake or wrongdoing

3)  To free or pardon someone from penalty

This definition in no way suggests condoning a wrongdoing or mistake.  However perhaps it is the suggestion of not blaming or freeing which gives forgiveness the inference of condoning a mistake.

During the process of clearing past issues with EFT a time of forgiveness is often reached towards the later stages of working through an issue.

It is not unusual for clients to come to the realisation themselves that it is not doing them any good to hold onto their hurts or anger.  They say things such as, “I know its no good for me to hate….” Or “I wish I could let go because I know I would feel so much better”.  These meaningful phrases can be used whilst neutralizing the associated feelings with EFT.   Then, when the time is intuitively right the therapist or client may sense a readiness to forgive so that a successful resolution and complete release can be accomplished.

A better understanding of the therapeutic meaning of the word forgiveness makes a difference.  Forgiveness is the gift that is received by the client during the healing work. Forgiveness does not require that the other party is involved.  Forgiveness means freedom from any negative energetic connection to an event or person.  Before the EFT work is completed the resented person or event is almost living rent free within us.  Afterwards - genuine freedom from that person or event is experienced.

Dilts & McDonald (1997) in appendix A of their book ‘Tools of the Spirit’ describes an excellent definition of forgiveness. “Giving as you gave before the hurt occurred”.

What my clients say and what I have also noticed is that when deep healing EFT work is done on the hurt, sadness and anger inner clarification and understanding frequently follows.  This enables forgiveness to flow naturally with the insight received from being there with the hindsight of re-experiencing.  Gary frequently says that it is love that heals and love, through the act of forgiveness flows freely and then brings with it emotional freedom.

Many well known, loved and respected therapists and trainers exhort us to consider the benefits as well as the cost of forgiveness versus unforgiveness.  The following quotations are from a few of them.  Donna Eden says, “Until there is forgiveness, you cannot be completely healthy”.  Deepak Chopra frequently encourages us to ‘Relinquish the need to judge’.  Anthony Robbins talks in terms of ‘Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves’, and Carolyn Myss says “Forgiveness is the way to stop the energy drain”.

Finally:  Peale (1982) has much to say about the power of forgiveness.  In chapter 11 he shares many inspirational stories. Of how others have benefited from this wonderful healing opportunity.  Of how a cancer specialist from New York gets together family members before starting treatment.  He believes that the emotional factors play a large part in a person’s susceptibility to cancer.  He calls for family members to participate in an hour of forgiveness and later a session for an hour of love.  First forgiveness then love.  This specialist feels this is an atmosphere in which the healing forces will work most effectively.

Mair Llewellyn