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Articles & Ideas

Using EFT

Specific couple techniques using EFT

Important Note: This article was written prior to 2010 and is now outdated. Please use my newest advancement, Optimal EFT. It is more efficient, more powerful and clearly explained in my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™.  Best wishes, Gary

Hi Everyone,

David Lake, MD from Australia gives us some useful techniques for using EFT with relationship work. He divides his presentation into 3 stages...or we can get behind the scenes with him and appreciate the details.

Please note that part of these techniques involves tapping along with one's partner. This is a form of our highly effective Borrowing Benefits techniques and I encourage everyone to use it.

Hugs, Gary

P.S. For other EFT approaches to relationships see the Relationships to Elationships section on our video series, From EFT to the Palace of Possibilities and Paul & Layne Cutright's presentation on our video series EFT Specialty Series I

By David Lake, MD

I am dividing these techniques into three separate categories...Single, Joint and Shared.

Single techniques are useful in the early part of the session as difficult issues are brought up.

Joint techniques help to "share" the problem in a way that is natural.

Shared techniques are for the end of a session where there has been work done on the irritations and resentments and the blocking beliefs that fuel the struggle and unhappiness of polarized couples.

Please note that "Continual tapping" (EFT meridian stimulation) is a central part of the procedures. It helps work on yourself for the hurt "triggered" by the partner. It also interrupts habitual patterns--and--It is first-aid too.

All these techniques--with some practice-- are ideal as self-help. They bypass the judgmental mind. Here are the details:


When one partner is talking (about the other) to the therapist, the other can be tapping. This does not require an EFT setup; it is a relaxing and self-soothing practice.

When the therapist is talking to the partner, the other can tap because they are involved in the drama and the history.

When there is blame and fault in the session, the recipient usually needs tapping to stay "centred".


All relationship problems are shared so I think all tapping should be a joint activity too. When one partner, for example, is:

then the other can tap--in silence-- for the reactive feelings this brings. They must say nothing and not react at this point. This helps the first partner to feel "heard", as instead of disputing or fighting with a predictable reaction and counter-reaction, they can help themselves instead to wake up from the "trance" of the problem (S.Wolinsky: Trances People Live).

The second partner acts as a "mirror" to the discontent but stays calm and non-reactive until their turn with the help of EFT.


Use these techniques only when there is sufficient relaxation and "containing" of the couple's problems. Typically in a session we find a reflective pause and the material of the session is "cooler" than in the beginning. When the time is right for this sharing, take turns. There is no rush.

The magic of EFT in relationship work can be brought out by three simple techniques (I use 'he' and 'she' for clarity). In these examples, the partners must look into each other's eyes, and the receiver of the tapping remains silent.

1. When he wants to apologise, or to make amends, or say something important, she taps continually on his finger/hand points as he talks

2. When she declares appreciation, understanding, or tender feelings for him, have her tap gently on his face points. Encourage or invite this kind of feeling response

3. When the thinking and talking work in this session is done, ask each to tap together in silence on the other's face points while sending the greatest love, and wish for the other, that they have. This is a potent suggestion.

Much depends on the use of silence here by the therapist. The therapist can initially invite a partner to "say what really matters most" or "what you haven't been able to say up until now"--then add little, but guide mostly non-verbally, with a nod, smile or gesture, until the couple has finished their work.

The couple in conflict will renew their positive vows intuitively in a bond of deep feeling (when there is residual goodwill and respect). They will access the profound feelings of "the love that passes all understanding". Because of the reconciliation of many opposite and difficult feelings with the help of EFT, very often both will have tears, and a great positive shift in understanding. This is acceptance in action.

The stage is now set for real change as the essential follow-through work can now begin.

With my best intentions,

David Lake, MD


Explore our newest advancement, Optimal EFT™, by reading my free e-book, The Unseen Therapist™. More efficient. More powerful.